


The Problem with Sainthood

by lachatblanche



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Still Have Powers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 19:25:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13083738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lachatblanche/pseuds/lachatblanche
Summary: Tony, the saint that he is, sets up two of his very best friends, Charles and Steve, in an act of great generosity.And then immediately regrets it.----In which Tony is terrible at sharing histoysfriends and Emmais very helpfulsits there and looks fabulous.





	The Problem with Sainthood

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gerec](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gerec/gifts).



> HAPPY (belated!) BIRTHDAY to my darling Gerec, the best interweb spouse anyone could wish for <3

Tony was, in his own words, a Very Altruistic Person. He gave away millions to charity. He held benefits for worthy causes. He visited sick orphans in hospital. He even allowed Rhodey to have the last slice of pizza on occasion. He was a goddamned saint, that’s what he was, and the world deserved to know it. 

And yes, Tony _knew_ that people would think that he was exaggerating ( _excuse_ him, when had he _ever_?) but he really, truly, honestly felt that he was due sainthood at the very, _very_ least.

It was the only explanation. After all, why _else_ would he have paired up his super-hot childhood best friend (later with added benefits) with his _other_ super-hot college best friend (sadly without the benefits, though not for a lack of trying) if he wasn’t the epitome of a generous, pure-hearted and benevolent soul?

Emma Frost (his other _other_ super-hot best friend – and yes, he seemed to have a lot of those) for some reason didn’t seem to buy this line of thinking. ‘I don’t know, sugar,’ she said, frowning in a thoughtful manner as she idly watched Tony lean out of the window with a pair of customised, super-high visibility Stark Tech binoculars. ‘Is it still being saintly if you try to break them up approximately two minutes after you get them together?’

‘Sure it is,’ Tony said easily, not pulling away from the window that was conveniently located opposite the café that Charles Xavier and Steve Rogers – his aforementioned hot friends – were rendezvousing at. ‘And it’s hardly _minutes_. It’s been _weeks_.’

‘And that makes it _so_ much better.’ Emma rolled her eyes, somehow still managing to look elegant as she did it. ‘What’s the big problem anyway? Charles and your morally-upstanding Captain friend actually seem to like each other. Isn’t what you wanted?’

‘Well – yeah,’ Tony agreed grudgingly, reluctant to explain things to someone who might not find his foibles quite as charming as he himself did. ‘But—’ he found his mouth curving down into a pout ‘It’s just … they weren’t supposed to like each other _that_ much!’

Emma’s eyebrows rose. ‘Oh?’ she murmured. ‘Then how much _were_ they supposed to like each other?’

Tony shrugged. ‘I don’t know,’ he said, looking mournful. ‘Just enough to have super hot super-powered sex?’

‘Mmhmm,’ Emma put her hands on her hips. ‘And exactly what would _you_ get out of that?’

Tony blinked. ‘That chance of a threesome?’ he said hopefully.

Emma gave him a flat, decidedly unimpressed look.

‘What?’ Tony asked defensively. ‘It’s not like something like that hasn’t happened before. _You_ should know that.’ 

Emma’s lips curled upwards into a smirk. ‘Oh I do,’ she purred. ‘Charles always was … affectionate.’

‘That’s one word for it,’ Tony agreed, looking nostalgic. He turned to Emma, wistful. ‘We had a lot of fun together, didn’t we, the three of us?’

Emma raised an eyebrow. ‘I know exactly what parts you consider to be _fun_ , sugar,’ she murmured, but her lips were curving upwards anyway.

‘Yeah,’ Tony sighed reminiscently before returning his gaze to the window. His mouth pulled downwards. ‘I guess that’s over now.’

Emma looked at him. Then she rolled her eyes. ‘You always were a drama queen, Tony,’ she said, not without affection. ‘And need I remind you again that _you_ were the one who set them up in the first place?’

Tony waved a careless hand in her direction. ‘That’s irrelevant. And it happened weeks ago. So it doesn’t count.’

Emma snorted at that. ‘Oh sugar, it just figures that your coping mechanism involves wiping the mental slate clean on a weekly basis,’ she said, shaking her head. She then smiled slyly. ‘Not, of course, that I don’t dabble in the occasional case of _tabula rasa_ , myself …’

‘I don’t think it counts when you wipe _other_ people’s memories, Em,’ Tony said wryly. ‘Now how about you make better use of those fancy powers of yours and tap into Charlie’s conversation with Cap down there, huh?’

‘Sorry, sugar, that’s not going to happen.’

‘Oh come on,’ Toy wheedled, turning to her with puppy-dog-eyes. ‘Just tell me what they’re saying.’

‘No.’

‘Please?’

‘No.’

‘Pretty please?’ he attempted. His shoulders then slumped at Emma’s immovable expression. ‘Christ,’ he huffed. ‘I ask you to do _one_ simple thing … I mean, what do you think I brought you along for – so you could sit back and make sarcastic comments while I work?’

Emma blinked innocently. ‘You mean that wasn’t the reason?’

Tony glared at her. ‘Fine then,’ he huffed. ‘If you won’t help me then fine. I’ll just have to find out for myself.’ He narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. ‘Steve should still have that Stark phone I gave him for Christmas, right?’

‘You mean the Stark phone that you gave him with the sole purpose of using it to spy on him?

‘I mean the Stark phone that I gave him with the sole purpose of bringing him into the twenty-first century,’ Tony retorted. ‘Christ, do I get _no_ credit for _any_ of the nice things that I do?’

‘ _What_ nice things?’ Emma deadpanned, but Tony ignored her. 

‘All I need to do is tap into the signal …’ he murmured, while fiddling with his own phone. He then beamed with triumph when, a moment later, a crackle announced that the speaker was working. ‘Aha! Success.’

They both paused, listening carefully as the first recognisable sounds started to emanate from Tony’s phone. It sounded like … singing.

‘Huh,’ Emma said after a moment. ‘Is that Streisand?’

‘Damn,’ Tony muttered. ‘Steve must have left his phone at home.’

Emma stared at him. ‘… So we’re just going to completely ignore the fact that Clint Barton does a surprisingly impressive Barbra Streisand impression when he thinks that no one’s around, huh?’ she asked slowly.

‘Oh, you bet your ass we’re not ignoring it,’ Tony muttered in reply as he tapped the ‘RECORD’ button linked to the cameras in Stark Tower. ‘We’re just … prioritising.’

‘Sure we are, sugar.’ Emma shook out her blonde tresses and looked back at him. ‘So. What’s your next move?’

‘I’m working on it,’ Tony said, biting his lip. Beneath him, on the other side of the street, he could see Charles and Steve laughing silently about something. He glared at them. ‘Do _you_ have any ideas?’

‘Well,’ Emma said slowly. ‘There is _one_ thing you might try, sugar … though it’s kinda radical, so I’m not sure you’d go for it …’

Tony’s eyes brightened for an entire second before his expression fell. ‘You’re going to say that I should just go talk to them, aren’t you?’

Emma smirked. ‘Why sweetie,’ she said, her lips twisted in amusement. ‘It’s almost like _you’re_ the telepath!’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Tony grumbled, glaring at the windowsill and thinking grumpy thoughts about how useless it was to have a telepath beside you on a spying venture when that telepath stubbornly refused to do any sort of useful telepathy. 

‘You know who actually _is_ a telepath, though?’ Emma continued idly, leaning back in her chair. 

‘You?’ Tony grumbled as he fished out his phone again and began determinedly tapping away at it. ‘Yeah, I know.’

Emma turned to look at him. She watched him for a whole minute. Then she sighed. ‘Tony. Sweetie. You _do_ realise that Charles is a telepath too, right?’

‘Yeah, of course I know that,’ Tony said distractedly as he continued to fiddle with his Stark phone. ‘I mean we’ve only all known each other since we were in diapers.’

‘And you know that he is – loath as I am to admit it – even more powerful than I am?’

‘Sure,’ Tony agreed, waving a vague hand. ‘We did all sorts of tests back when we were kids. I probably know your ranges better than you two do.’

‘Right,’ Emma said slowly, drawing out the word. ‘So then tell me this, sugar. If you know for sure that I can really very easily tune in and figure out what Charles and Steve are saying, then why hasn’t it occurred to you that _Charles_ can tune in and listen to _us_?’

Tony froze.

He slowly turned to face Emma, a look of guilt on his face. ‘He – er,’ he swallowed. ‘He _isn’t_ , though, is he? Right?’

 _Hello Tony_ , Charles said wryly.

‘Oh shit,’ Tony said.

 _Language_ , came Cap’s measured tones in his head, amusement seeping into his voice.

‘Very funny,’ Tony grumbled, folding his arms and glaring at Emma. ‘How long have you assholes known that we were up here?’

 _Pretty much from the moment you came up with the ludicrous idea_ , Charles said cheerfully, even as he nibbled daintily at the edge of a breadstick, deliberately allowing the taste to linger at the edges of Tony’s mind. _Emma very kindly informed us that you were having one of your silly little “moments”_.

‘Traitor.’ Tony glared at Emma who looked thoroughly unrepentant. Then, ‘Wait, what _moments_?’

‘The sort where you become a needy bore,’ Emma said as she filed her nails, at the same time as Charles said, _The ones where you get a little paranoid that we’re all off having fun without you._

‘That doesn’t sound like me,’ Tony said dubiously, feeling a little offended. 

_It kind of does, Tony,_ Steve said apologetically. _You tend to get a little twitchy and sulky if we’re not all paying attention to you._

 _It’s very sweet,_ Charles said hurriedly, keen to soothe Tony’s burgeoning irritation. _But you do tend to get a little … overexcited at times._

‘Basically what they’re saying, sugar, is that it is obvious that you weren’t hugged a lot as a child,’ Emma said with a shrug, still filing away at her nails.

 _Which we all understand,_ Charles said firmly while giving Emma a mental poke in the head. _And we all have our own ways of dealing with it_. His mental impression softened. _You don’t need to worry, Tony_. His voice became quieter, more personally directed. _Whatever Steve and I may have does not affect the way that we feel about you. Not at all_.

Tony determinedly scratched at his chin.

 _We’re not trying to exclude you, Tony,_ Steve said, his tone similarly gentle. _We’re just … figuring things out between ourselves._

 _If it really is bothering you, though …_ Charles was unable to hide his anxiety, even in Tony’s mind. _If it really makes you uncomfortable then I – then we—_

‘Don’t be an idiot, Charles,’ Tony found himself saying before he knew it, his voice gruff. ‘It’s – of course it’s not bothering me. Well,’ he admitted wryly. ‘Not _seriously_ anyway.’ And to his surprise he genuinely meant it.

_If you’re sure …_

‘Sure I am,’ Tony said, puffing his chest out. ‘When am I ever not sure about anything?’

‘Let me think …’ Emma murmured.

Tony resolutely ignored her. ‘Seriously,’ he said, and he channelled as much sincerity into his voice as he could. ‘I’m fine with what you guys have going on. Sure, it’ll take a little getting used to,’ he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. ‘But I’ll deal with it.’ When Charles still seemed to be slightly hesitant he rolled his eyes. ‘Christ, Charles, stop being so damn considerate all the time. You’re making Emma uncomfortable.’

Emma held up a single, perfectly-filed middle finger without looking up.

 _Noted,_ Charles said, amused. _Consider my consideration revoked._

‘Good,’ Tony said with a decisive nod. ‘Glad we got that cleared up. Now,’ he puffed out his chest. ‘You two stop poking your noses into my business and get back to your date. Make small talk, order more wine, share a dessert. I know it’s hard, but you have to stop thinking about me, at least for the next hour. I mean, I didn’t want to say anything, but honestly, it’s like you two can’t leave me alone for a minute. Seriously, it’s becoming a problem. You should both really work on that. Neediness isn’t an attractive quality.’

 _We’ll work on it, Tony,_ Charles said, sounding amused. _And I think we’ll take you up on that idea about that second bottle of wine._

 _It’s the third, actually,_ Steve said dryly, but Tony could tell he was smiling.

‘Good,’ Tony said, and cleared his throat. ‘Put it all on my tab, I’ll pay for dinner. Don’t go emptying the wine cellar now, Charles.’

 _No promises_ , came the laughing reply. Then, softly and with great fondness, _Thank you, Tony._

‘Whatever,’ Tony said quickly. ‘I’ll see you lovebirds later.’ And he quickly turned away from the window, breathing a sigh of relief when he felt Charles mentally disengage from him.

Emma was watching him. ‘So,’ she said slowly. ‘That happened.’

Tony shrugged.

‘Are you really okay with everything?’ Emma asked. Her tone was light but her gaze was searching, and Tony knew that she was listening intently for his answer.

‘Absolutely,’ he said solemnly, holding his palm to his chest. ‘I promise. Scout’s honour.’

Emma snorted. ‘As if _you_ were ever a scout,’ she said, but she looked satisfied. She slowly straightened her legs and cocked her head to the side. ‘So,’ she said, eyeing him consideringly. ‘What now?’

Tony paused for a moment, thinking. Today had been a slow day and he didn’t really have anything on the cards. To be honest, his whole … _moment_ about Charles and Steve hadn’t been entirely a product of jealousy so much as it was a product of boredom and having the time to over-think things. And now that it was over … well, if only he had something else to distract him …

A slow smile spread over his face.

‘Now,’ he said, his eyes glinting with pleasant anticipation. ‘Now we go figure out just _how_ many times our old buddy Clint has watched _Funny Girl_.’

A mirroring smile spread over Emma’s face. ‘Blackmail, Tony?’ she purred. Her eyes glinted wickedly. ‘Count me in.’

Tony smiled.

Sainthood, he decided, could wait.


End file.
